What is truly left of a person after they die? She wondered. It was a lazy Friday afternoon , S’s college wouldn’t open for another month at the least and the Chennai heat was doing its usual wonders. An afternoon well suited for endless T.V marathons and phone calls to plan useless beach meetings with her school friend. Yet her brain wouldn’t compromise today! Her mind wandered past countless thoughts while her fingers fiddled with the ring which belonged to her recently deceased grandmother.
It was a sturdy little ring , silver in colour and probably made of it too. It had a little black stone embedded onto it. An understated , rough little ring which was simple yet elegant at the same time. It used to grace her grandmother’s hand roughly a month back. She wore it regularly nowadays. It helped her to remember a person she loved
Not in the intense , immediate , breatheless way that hits after their death in a few days.
But in a more melancholic , quite , sad way which washes you gently yet completely
When a random old lady wears red sari like Mummy did and walks purposefully on the road
When anyone forced her to eat even she had already stated 84 times before that , that she wasn’t hungry.
When they mentioned an incident involving her sweet grandmother
Grandmother.. She was never allowed to call her that.
Mummy was pretty insistent that everyone should call her mummy ,
Or alas! Her youthful energy might suddenly disappear.
She was a tough old bird who worked in the hospital as a nurse till the day she fell ill ,
She was admitted for a small illness and passed away rather suddenly.
So abruptly that I never got to say goodbye properly.
Can’t narrate in 3rd person anymore – I’m sorry.
I was in Pune preparing for my exams when my mummy bid adieu to this world.
Even though I couldn’t be with her that day physically I believe I connected with her soul.
Or how else could I have a dream with her the exact same day she passed away.
The dream was after I heard the news – not claiming Nostradamus like powers here.
It may have been my brain’s way of consoling my heart.
It was so real that I still hold on to it today and can visualise it pretty clearly.
Me and Mummy were together watching a movie in a theatre
Funny , because we have never done that together before. We always watched movies in her favourite Ktv channel ( she wouldn’t change it even during ad breaks!) or old CDs of some classic Kamal film.
I find the movie boring and walk out. Probably reflects how I was pretty absent around her the last time we met..
Then there I am checking out clothes in the mall and mummy comes right behind me , I look very surprised to see her and give her a hug. I am not a big hugger but I still remember how I hugged her in that dream. She was wearing a grey colour silk saree and I was holding on to her like I’ll never let go.
And I still remember the crying and telling her , “ I’m so sorry mummy” , I wasn’t aware that she passed away in the dream.. and I suddenly woke up and realised I’ll never get to watch a movie with her or hug her ever again.
That realization was one of the worst moments of my life. I cried forever , my roommate freaked out and had to lock our room door. It was bad.
Reverting back to 3rd person.
Now here she was - almost 37 days later. Still rotating her grandmom’s ring.
People say time heals all wounds. The wound still exists. The pain too. We just learn to live with it.
Just learn to live without mummy.
Without her the world was definitely a less better place. Less brighter. Less patriotic. Less everything.
She was left with more sadness than before with all the thinking. What else did she expect?
This post isn’t about mummy or her awesomeness per se. It is about coping and belated grieving and search for closure I realize.
I also realize that I have been constantly shifting from first to third person. Reflects my mental state maybe.
I know you all will apologize. Mummy definitely will.
She was such an amazing woman. Obsessed with gods. More obsessed with serving people. She wanted us to join the army or be doctors. Whatever she did she gave it her all. I still remember the banana milkshake she made me once :D She has been through a LOT . Stuff which I hope never happens to any other woman. Things I can’t reveal in the name of family privacy.
She bounced back with so much optimism that I bet that the gods, she was so obsessed with, could have done nothing but grin at this old looking young woman – frail looking strong woman.
I still remember mummy giving her phone number to a pseudo religious guy and when we told her how unsafe it was , she wanted to change numbers lol
She was one of a kind and is irreplaceable.
I love her and miss her,
Please come back mummy! :’(