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Existential Anxiety

Its true.
I have not blogged in a 'while'
and that while has been one big blue whale of a time :P

Its true .
I have exams all the time now.
Yet I spend more time on facebook
than i do to annoy the life outta my brother.

Its true.
This can never qualify to be a poem ,
it has no rhyme scheme
or a complex theme .

Yet its true
that my blog has become a mere vegetable ,
a fruitful retrospection
to be pickled from the upcoming disaster of time.

Disclaimer - Views totally attributed to harmful effects of psychology.

okay :P I went a bit overboard there. Please be a bit kind upon me as I'm a bit scratchy, as its been a while. Yet I'm back, as the itch to write is intolerable. In the past many months , I did try writing. But the problem is/was, I really didn't know what to write about.
Everyone runs out of juice and one simply can't be creative when they are being sapped out regularly of their life through examinations. No , don't worry . I won't crib about exams here too. At least i'l try not to.

So lets move on to something even more depressing. Or at least something which looks superficially so. The end of school life . This is the time of the year, when saying bye bye to school happens. However, it is quite sad when all the crying and emotional catharsis is followed by regular visits to school in the form of exams , special classes and more exams , lol .

Yet is quite a 'life event' in an otherwise drab year. eleventh is any day more fun . why can't twelfth be like eleventh? -_-  okay this topic is so boring i don't even want to continue writing on it. God! Maybe this is how a dying blog feels like. Free association and Freud ftw \m/

Conversations have become so structured that i can even predict it before it begins. unfairness of timetable , teachers , school , education system check. Portions , doubts , bitching about subjects/chapters check. Status quo is such that deep introspection on each others subjects seems almost attractive. I met this old friend after a very long time . And she ended up discussing about the structure of the DNA *facepalm*

However howmuchever cool we act on the outside ( yes it is an ego defence we put up. In fact , according to Freud every way we behave is an ego defence ,everything we think is sexual and ever one of us are disturbed. So you really can't blame me for my disillusionment)  deep down inside we are all kutti paapas (small children) who do not want school to end.

While some of us express it very openly , crying our lungs out , others like to maintain that they are the least bit affected and are eagerly awaiting college. This maybe true , but like everything else in life , only partly. There can be no exceptions to this rule. Homo Sapiens fear change more than anything else. That is why old people don't like us sticking to our gadgets ( again only partly xP) and we don't like leaving a system which has been inbred in us for 14 years of our life. Thinking about it , the next generation will find it harder. They seem to be going to school the moment they've learnt to walk. Poor kids -_-

On top of all this , like an icing on the cake ( subtle reference = I may end this post soon yay!) while trying to  enjoy my over earned sleep. Morbid , intrusive thoughts keep popping up :'(  . Too much existential knowledge is never good - only exceptions is for the religious leaders and thinkers i guess . However i have no plans to become a sankarachariyar anytime soon . SO IT IS VERY ANNOYING. Questions like Why do we exist? what is the purpose of life? What will happen if i fail an exam? What is the point of money , grades , job , family , marriage , retirement etc etc? If  the answer is  'happiness', why shouldn't i take the easier way - that too when i have one , ie, laze around? Why should everyone perform some function in the society? Why can't we just sit at home? And if you're staying at home , why should you be a 'house wife' ? Why is not considered right to do NOTHING? Doing nothing seems very attractive. Why at this rate I can become a sanyasi. Semi baba xD but no I am too self indulging and 'pleasure principle' oriented to be one. But again who said i can't be both? xD and who said such people aren't both? Google 'reaction formation' .

Ishouldgosleep after performing relaxation procedures and cognitive and behavior techniques at least.

Sorry i wrote for myself . lol i sound like Randy pausch . There i go again -.-

THrow your textbooks somewhere faraway ( yet in a searchable distance :P )  after an exam.
Ta Ta Bye Bye 


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ek gaon mein ek kisan raghu thatha! :P

It's been a week in Pune already!! :O
and believe it or not  - I have fallen in love with this city! <3
or maybe it is just another one of my defense mechanisms , protecting me from shocks. Whatever this is , it has aroused me enough, to write a post! So let me finish this before reality sinks in .
( Side note :

  Defense mechanisms are pretty intriguing . Do you know that I haven't cried a single tear drop yet? My friends think it is some kind of sacrilegious blasphemy from my  part. But hey! If pessimists argue that I have effectively ended one life , I argue back that I have just started a new one :) I do miss chennai . However , I am not going to go gaga over it. Okay I just did . )
I haven't had much chance to discover the city in its entirety yet. But , from whatever I have seen - it is fresh , green , pleasant and mindnumbingly beautiful :')

So here it is . The elusive list of things I have noticed about Pune and my new life in general :

1) I was never a nat…

Pitch dark

A shadow has crept over my soul Inching through my defences Making me darkness herself I wallow in grief over things lost In the invisible bonfire And try to survive on the warmth of embraces Of kindred spirits Only that it feels like a stranglehold And I push them away with a Weaponized tongue and my newfound strangeness Friends and foes are all the same Only difference is the name. I burn through whatever light I get Worried I might never see again In haste I commit little crimes
And wallow once more again.