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A psychopath's - Diary entry


I am confused.Really. I want to fight with her, but not ignore her! I also feel guilty about what I'm doing ,but I can't stop it! I am just blaming myself for what I am doing, I even know the solution but I'm not doing it, WHY? Why? WHY??? 
   I think it is my(self)ego. I don't want things to go smoothly...."a sailor sails best when his ship is sinking" , I need pressure .I don't like my parents,friends who are always nice with me! I want the world to be BAD,so that I am good!
" I DONT LIKE ANYONE ON EARTH!" I can't be equal to anyone! Man, I can't put myself inside a single category! Am I not BAD? I am confused. Really.

I was going through a pile of old stuff when I noticed an A4 sheet full of words....I decided to take a closer look and got this stuff! I am not telling who has written it as I don't know who really wrote it [ ;) ] ........I was shocked at the writer's lack of optimism , arrogance and that attitude! OMG! I couldn't bear it! SO, I'm sharing my cynicism with you guys!

The style of the writer seems to be nice, The style of matching the first 4 words with the last 4 is really good. When moving on to the next line 'I want to fight with her not ignore her'  shows so much egoism and arrogance that I pity that poor friend who got stuck with the writer!
The next line offers some solace by stating that the writer IS guilty of what they are doing! BUT, The immediate phrase shows the helplessness and lack of control of temper of that writer who frankly states that they can't control it!

'I am just blaming myself for what I am doing, I even know the solution but I'm not doing it, WHY? Why? WHY??? '

The next phrase shows the quality of self harassment or at least self punishment as I get to know that they are blaming themselves for whatever stupid row they had with their friend!
When a person does know the solution and doesn't follow it it is called 'foolishness', 'over pride' and adamant behavior.....I do pity that person for the frustration they are inducing on themselves!

 The explanation the person give for their strange contradicting behavior is 'I think it is my(self)ego. I don't want things to go smoothly...."a sailor sails best when his ship is sinking" , I need pressure .I don't like my parents,friends who are always nice with me! '
This is the frankest and the most sadistic confession I have read in my life.....I am seriously now doubting that the writer is a self harmer. 'I need pressure'!  shows all symptoms of it. Most likely suicidal patterns to succeed! Hating happiness and niceties shows an anti social pattern too..........

The last last lines suggest that the person is coming back to normal...pah....and ends up how they started -really confused!

What would I suggest them to do? 

  • Goto a proper counselor and vent out their emotions.....
  • Listen to the advice of the counselor
  • Try an anger management course
  • Do yoga
  • To always carry that smile!! =) 
  • Find the root cause of their anger/confusion/madness

After  writing this post my mother saw the A4 paper I saw the  text on.......she stated laughing uncontrollably! 
me: So it is you!!! who scribbled all this nonsense!
she: ( still laughing) nonono!! (again laughs)
me: AMMA!! plzz tell.....
she:(suppressing badly)  Don't you recognize that stupid style of starting and ending with the same phrase?

Shit!! It was me! .......................I will never ever believe I wrote such a kiddish entry...but that  'style is mine! is mine! Shit!!  It was me!

 moral of the story:
  1. Never scribble anything crazy
  2. Never forget to DISPOSE it.....:(
  3. Don't prejudice anything until you know who wrote about it!

Semi :D


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ek gaon mein ek kisan raghu thatha! :P

It's been a week in Pune already!! :O
and believe it or not  - I have fallen in love with this city! <3
or maybe it is just another one of my defense mechanisms , protecting me from shocks. Whatever this is , it has aroused me enough, to write a post! So let me finish this before reality sinks in .
( Side note :

  Defense mechanisms are pretty intriguing . Do you know that I haven't cried a single tear drop yet? My friends think it is some kind of sacrilegious blasphemy from my  part. But hey! If pessimists argue that I have effectively ended one life , I argue back that I have just started a new one :) I do miss chennai . However , I am not going to go gaga over it. Okay I just did . )
I haven't had much chance to discover the city in its entirety yet. But , from whatever I have seen - it is fresh , green , pleasant and mindnumbingly beautiful :')

So here it is . The elusive list of things I have noticed about Pune and my new life in general :

1) I was never a nat…

Pitch dark

A shadow has crept over my soul Inching through my defences Making me darkness herself I wallow in grief over things lost In the invisible bonfire And try to survive on the warmth of embraces Of kindred spirits Only that it feels like a stranglehold And I push them away with a Weaponized tongue and my newfound strangeness Friends and foes are all the same Only difference is the name. I burn through whatever light I get Worried I might never see again In haste I commit little crimes
And wallow once more again.